The Swampy Magic Of Emotions, And How To Turn Them Into SuperpowerAug 15, 2022
Me: I am terrified. They are judging me. I can't let them show I care. I will look stupid. I am so ashamed I want to sink into the ground. This is too much, I don't care any more...
Them: She is a cold, stuck up bitch. She is proud. She thinks that she is better than everyone else. She's got no life in her. She is boring. She doesn't care about anything. She only cares about herself. She is not feminine enough...
Me: Ahhhhh! Fuck you! I hate it! Buaaaaaaaah! Sob...This relationship is over! I am quitting my job! Nobody cares about me! Everyone is an asshole! I am an asshole! I am a worthless piece of shit! They are worthless pieces of shit! Ahhhh!
Them: She is way too emotional. She is so unprofessional! She is crazy! She is sooo whiny. What a drama queen! She should be ashamed of herself!
Emotions are a currency of aliveness and yet, most of us have a funky, and really fucked up, weird relationship to them. We revere some, hate others. Sometimes we decide it's not safe to express them, so we hide them, or suppress them altogether, staying stuck, or avoiding situations that may trigger them. Sometimes we let them run the show and literally, temporarily loose our minds, and do all kinds of stupid shit while riding the roller-coaster.
In the meantime we judge ourselves for our emotions, and then project, and judge others. There are little to none safe spaces to express them, so life becomes this twisted dance of pursuing experiences that trigger "good emotions", avoiding those that trigger "bad" emotions, and wasting much time faking it, and pretending that we feel what we don't feel (or don't feel what we feel), to preserve status quo, and wait for it ...experience some emotion!. Hahahahahahahahah!
What a hot, twisted, and delightfully kinky mess.
Let me present you with a scenario: You start watching a new TV show. Everyone is gorgeous. Fit, smart, sexy, and perfect. Their lives are perfect. They always feel good. Great jobs, great sex, great family, great house, great dog. Everything goes their way, and they always get precisely what they want. The weather is perfect. They are constantly chipper and smiling. Are you yawning yet? I am, I am even very slightly nauseous.
Don't get me wrong. Emotions serve a biological and survival purpose. They are a "Reader's Digest" of all the internal and external sensory information that gets summarized into an emotion that tells you if you need to do something or not.
Since emotions carry action signals, they need to be felt. When you “control” emotions, you control your ability to experience life; you shut it down. When you let hem run amok, you miss out on the nuggets.
AND. As much as you say you want to be happy all the time, deep down inside, you want to feel it all. You delight in the plot twists, dark alleys, a little highs of adrenaline rush of uncertainty. It makes you feel alive.
It's part of a theatre of life. There is a way to enjoy this ride without micromanaging, or getting lost in the chaos. How? Detach the emotions from the story, and feel them as raw sensations.
Resist the allure of: "If I feel fear, it means I will fail, loose my job, partner, relationship, whatever", followed by weeks of paralysis, lying to self and others, denial, and internal drama. Instead ride the exhilarating rollercoaster of "I am scared" emotion, let your stomach do some flips, dance, shake, moan, scream, and when you calm down, consider, what is the message of this fear? Do I need to pay attention to someone's behavior? Do I need to prepare better? Do I need to learn something new? Do I need to have a conversation? Do I need to listen to my gut? And go do that.
Resist the pull of:" They cut me off in traffic, which means they are an asshole who disrespects me" story, which will make you chase after them to flip them off, and Goddess only knows how that would end. Let your righteous indignation ripple through your muscles like an orgasm, and enjoy that you got away without a scratch, feeling every fiber of your being on alert, present, alive. Message? Hands on the wheel and eyes on the road baby! There are crazy people out there.
The magic of emotions is that they are telling you: please look at something, pay attention, see if something needs to be done. They are in your service. They are here to guide you, inform you, keep you safe, and keep you in alignment with your values, truth and desires. If you let them, they can also color your life, so it is exciting, rich, and interesting.
Relationship to emotions is like any other relationship. To be healthy, it requires slight distance, perspective, firm sense of self, a healthy dose of patience, curiosity, and willingness to engage.
So here is what to do when you encounter a "sticky" emotion you would rather not feel:
1. Notice how it feels in the body.
2. If it could move your body, how would it move? How would it sound? Allow it to move and sound.
3. Resist any story that wants to attach itself to the emotion, and keep returning to the raw sensation. Keep moving and sounding
4. When the sensations calm, and your mind comes back on line, consider, what is the action signal in this emotion.
5. Then go do it, and celebrate the brilliance of the Universal engineering that is you.
You want an example? Here it is.
I recently came back from an incredibly intense, immersive tantric training in the jungle, with 100 powerful women. Even though I have been in menopause for little over a year, the collective vortex of feminine energy brought back my blood. The brief reappearance triggered an unexpected euphoria, followed by an intense let down, and full realization that I am past this part of my life. I suddenly saw with acute clarity my aging body, my wrinkles, grey hair, dimples on my thighs. Muffin tops over my pajama pants, and breasts no longer ripe and full. I am no longer a young woman.
It felt like punch to the gut. I felt an ocean of sadness, the heaviness of depression, and hopelessness take over my body. I could feel the seduction of story. Some version of " I am old, nobody cares, I no longer matter, its over, it's too late, whatever.
Instead, I lit a candle. Created a ceremonial space, turned on music I knew would move me, and begun to breathe. Within minutes my body was shaking, I sobbed, and felt the infinite depth of grief. Over youth, over missed opportunities, paths not taken, love lost, time I will never have again. I twisted, shook, kicked, screamed, and breathed deeply while tracking my sensations. And as I let my body feel every little bit, I also noticed something else bubbling up. Wisdom. Perspective.
I will never again be a birth mother to a child. I can however be a mother to many. The Crone. The Elder. The Wise Woman.
I no longer am tied to a cycle of blood. Now I can choose to follow any rhythm I choose. The rhythm of the Earth, the Moon, the Sun, the Universe, my own. I have the ultimate freedom. I can choose to plug into the rhythms of life. Into suffering, joy, pleasure, drama. My body showed me that I have a choice.
I saw the beauty and magnificence of my body. Her wisdom, and her regal grace. I saw the beauty in all feminine bodies. I saw their essence of divinity. Way more beautiful than the aibrushed ideal we were taught to worship.
My body initiated me into the time Of The Crone. The sacred, creative, wild, and finally free.
Action signal? Reinforcement. Connect to other women. Remind them who they are. Be the Wise Woman. Serve with your fierce heart. Hold them in their trauma, and guide them safely to the other side. Help them taste the exquisite pleasure of being a woman. The message was clear once I could get over the grief for my youth.
This is the magic of feeling your feelings. When you honor their truth, dignify the experience, and allow yourself the honesty that they invite you into, what lies beyond is the real you. And the real you is worth being sometimes uncomfortable.
I know this is not a mainstream approach. In the culture of needing to feel good all the time, this is a radical invitation. But I am calling you forward. Join me in the radical revolution, where you trade what you "should" feel for what you actually feel, where you laugh, cry, moan, scream, rage, cackle, and coo because you feel like it and because you want to.
I know you want to shed the pretense, stop living in fear, and finally be fucking free to be yourself. Whatever is in your way: trauma, beliefs, habits, or simply not knowing how, connect with me, and I will teach you exactly what to do. It's time. You know it. Just get in here.
Join me in the FREE 4 weeks embodiment class for women RETURN TO SELF to kick stress out of your nervous system, start a love affair with your body, begin healing trauma, and turn pleasure waaaay up. It is a very high level intro class.
It is time.